The colloquial expression, ‘oldest daughter syndrome,’ has gained popularity on social media, especially TikTok, as many women have taken to the internet, using the hashtag ‘#oldest_daughter_syndrome’ to post about their experiences as oldest daughters, the unique challenges they face, and the emotional burdens they often bear.
Oldest daughters have been sharing their stories online and attributing many experiences to the oldest daughter syndrome. These include feeling a great sense of responsibility from childhood into adulthood, overachieving, experiencing anxiety and worry, people-pleasing, having trouble setting boundaries, struggling with feelings of guilt, and managing adult relationships with difficulty.
“My mother always told me to set an example for my younger sisters, which put a lot of pressure on me and often left me feeling anxious,” Shadia*, a 28-year-old English teacher, the oldest daughter of three, told Egyptian Streets.
From a young age, Shadia’s mother would brag about her eldest daughter’s success to their relatives. While that made her happy, it also raised the bar.
“I felt like I had to continue getting good grades, continue being obedient, and excel in everything, or else I would disappoint her,” Shadia said. “I think it might have pressured my younger sisters to try to keep up with me as well.”
Saif Ayman, a former psychotherapist at Abbasia Hospital for Mental Health and a researcher at Yale University, told Egyptian Streets that the Oldest Daughter Syndrome is not an official clinical diagnosis listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
“However, the ‘syndrome’ refers to a common experience or pattern that women have experienced or noticed in their lives,” he explained.
Reham*, 31-year-old graphic designer, the oldest daughter of four, told Egyptian Streets, “From a young age, I was primarily responsible for my younger sister: picking her up from kindergarten and, later, school, feeding her when we got home, and taking care of her. When my two younger sisters were born, I became the babysitter for three instead of one, until my mom came back home from work.”
She shared that her mother depended on her from a young age to carry out chores. e. They had to be done a certain way, and if they were not executed as required her way, her mother would be disappointed.
“My mother expected everything to be flawless: my siblings taken care of, the house clean, meals cooked, and on top of all that, I had to focus on my studies, and ensure I didn’t fail in any subjects at school,” Reham said. “I had high standards to live up to.”
Birth Order
The Older Daughter syndrome has been linked to the birth order theory, a theory proposed by the Austrian psychotherapist, Alfred Adler, in 1920.
Adler’s theory attempts to explore family dynamics by examining the order in which children are born into a family, positing that a child’s position in the family birth order affects their personality and life experiences. He suggests that the oldest child, or firstborn, receives the most attention from their parents, and is often viewed as the strongest sibling; this child is expected to be reliable and serve as a good role model for others.
Firstborns also tend to follow rules, strive for perfection, and develop a strong belief in their abilities, according to a 2015 study on Strategic parenting, birth order, and school performance.
Ayman noted that even in Egyptian cultures and traditions, the firstborn is usually the next in line to be a breadwinner or a ‘third parent’, regardless of gender. They also face higher expectations when it comes to achievements, behaviors, and responsibilities placed by parents.
Gender Stereotypes
However, Ayman emphasized that gender stereotypes contribute significantly to shared experiences.
“Globally, women are expected to be naturally caring, nurturing, and helpful, and Egypt is no different,” Ayman said, noting that it is consequently normal and common for females in Egypt, especially the oldest among their sisters, to bear more domestic and parental responsibilities over her younger siblings.
According to The United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF), worldwide, girls aged five to nine spend 30 percent more time on household chores compared to boys their age. The disparity grows as girls get older, with those aged 10 to 14 dedicating 50 percent more time.
Oldest daughters often shoulder a heavy and invisible burden of domestic responsibility from a young age such as helping out with chores, caring for younger siblings, and looking after sick parents, according to Yang Hu, a professor at the Department of Sociology at Lancaster University in the United Kingdom.
American licensed clinical psychologist, Avigail Lev, reported that the oldest daughter, unlike their opposite-sex siblings, often bears the brunt of family expectations and responsibilities, frequently feeling compelled to succeed, achieve, and care for the family, navigating a complex mix of shame and guilt when they fall short and fail to meet family expectations.
“I believe traditional gender roles influenced the expectations and responsibilities placed on me. As a girl, I was expected to manage, babysit, and take care of my sisters, both when my parents weren’t around and sometimes even when they were. I think if I were a boy, my younger sister might have been expected to take on the babysitting role and care for me instead,” Shadia said.
Reham echoed Shadia’s thoughts, “I believe that if I were a boy, these responsibilities wouldn’t have been placed on me. The oldest sister would likely have carried the load.”
Parentification
Many women, especially eldest daughters, have reported being treated differently from their younger siblings.
They often took on more responsibilities than they could handle, experiencing parentification, where a child cares for their family’s emotional, physical, or mental well-being before they are developmentally ready, resulting in increased anxiety during childhood.
“More responsibilities have been placed on me than my sisters simply because I’m the oldest. Taking care of the house and my siblings are expected of me as the oldest; there was no discussion about it,” Reham said, noting that her younger siblings were considered “too young” and didn’t know how things work. This has put a strain on her relationship with her mother and sisters, as she resented her mother, and felt envious of her sisters who enjoyed their childhood years while she felt she never could.
“Bearing adult responsibilities as a child often made me feel like a parent,” Shadia said.
“Sometimes, I had to take care of my mother—not in the typical sense, but by being my mother’s friend. She confided in me at the age of 10 years old about her marriage issues and personal problems. I sympathized with her and constantly worried about her feelings, always trying to be considerate and spare her any additional stress.”
Research indicates that parentification can lead to a range of negative outcomes, including depression, heightened anxiety, and a tendency toward risky behaviors involving stimulants. It is also linked to eating disorders and personality disorders, particularly borderline and dissociative types.
“I carried my mother’s feelings and issues, feeling like they were my responsibility,” Shadia said. “Looking back, I realize this made me grow up faster and miss out on a typical childhood.”
According to Ayman, high expectations, combined with responsibilities often lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt.
Lev echoed these thoughts regarding older daughters: “They [older daughters] are more likely to feel shame and guilt, but also tend to be more independent.”
While women may struggle to create an independent identity beyond the roles imposed by their families, making it difficult to pursue personal goals that diverge from familial expectations, their independence, and developed personalities can help them overcome these challenges.
Reflecting on a time when being thrust into a parental role made Shadia feel as though she grew up faster than her peers, she confessed, “When I did grow up, I struggled to break away from the role assigned to me. As the oldest daughter, I am expected to be obedient, easygoing, respectable, well-behaved, responsible, and always do the right thing.”
She wished for a more carefree childhood. In her early 20s, she found herself acting immature, disregarding the consequences of her actions, experiencing emotional outbursts, and behaving irresponsibly.
She said, “I think that was my rebellion to reclaim the carefree moments I missed out on, gain my independence, and separate myself from others’ expectations.”
Therapy and learning to be self-aware have helped her heal, but those experiences still influence how she views responsibility and independence to this day.
Reham, on the other hand, still struggles with handling her emotional burdens and anxiety. Yet, her most precious piece of advice to share would be to tell other older daughters to speak their minds.
“Looking back, I think that could have helped me. Maybe it can benefit other old daughters out there,” she said. “Speaking up about frustrations and sharing the struggles you face with your parents can maybe make a difference and break the cycle.”
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.
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